Fate is the hunter

 Cycling, Life, My MCL  1 Response »
Dec 232010
 

I’m tired! I’m really tired. And these past 8 days of essentially non stop rain certainly didn’t help any. Even today, when I thought I would be able to get out on a real bike once again, I looked out side, and discovered the roads are still soaking wet. So here I am stuck in the house once again.

But mostly I’m tired of dealing with my MCL. I’m tired of the endless blood tests, and visits to the oncologist. I’m tired of people asking me how I feel, and then lying to them. I’m tired of putting on a happy face, and going about my life as if nothing is wrong.

You’d think (at least I would) after [nearly] 9 years, my body would have figured out there’s something wrong, and do something about it. You’d think after [nearly] 9 years my body would have built up some defenses to my MCL, and maybe even mount an offense for a change.

But why would I think that? Heck, the best minds in the US can’t seem to come together and figure out how to get completely out of Afghanistan and Iraq, nor eliminate the scourge tearing the fabric of this country [US] apart, so what makes me think my body is any more capable of doing such a thing?

Of course, maybe my body has figured it out. Maybe a high lymphocyte count, hemoglobin in the anemic range, and an enlarged spleen is just the new norm [for me], and I’m actually cured. After all my lymphocyte count has actually been on a downward trend for the past 4 years. Of course so has my hemoglobin and platelet counts, so……..

Or is it more likely my body is just fighting the valiant fight, like King Leonidas at the Battle of Thermopylae, or the Jews at Masada, and in the end will eventually succumb to the never ending onslaught, and no amount of bike riding or green tea will be able to prevent the inevitable.

I don’t know, that’s for sure, and I doubt anyone knows.

So I can rant, I can ride my bike and drink green tea to my hearts content, I might even pray some, but in the end, it won’t do any good. And I’m not about to seek help from a psychiatrist, or take any medication, because the one thing I have come to believe with some certainty is you can’t hide from reality. Our destiny’s are sealed. Some might call it luck, but I call it fate, and Fate is the Hunter.

The only thing I would truly hope for, is after all this time, I’d at least be able to deal with it better.

Notice how I was skillfully able to incorporate a political rant into a post on living and dealing with mantle cell lymphoma.

Some days it’s just not worth getting out of bed

 Cycling, Life  4 Responses »
Nov 272010
 

After feeling so terrible during Thursday’s bike ride, I took Friday off, hoping to rejuvenate my body. Instead I went to Surf City Cyclery to buy a new set of tights and gloves, in an attempt to lighten up the load just a little, in anticipation of this mornings ride.

I knew it was going to be cold this morning, but I was not expecting it to be below 40°F, my self imposed cut off point for going on a bike ride (there isn’t enough clothing to keep you warm below that temperature), so when I woke up this morning to see 37°F on the wall thermometer, I was in total dismay. (And it’s not even sunrise yet, so it will get even colder.)

I know it’s a lot colder in other parts of the country (so I shouldn’t complain too much), but this is southern California, and this is only November. We don’t normally see these kind of temperatures until February, in the height of winter.

As if life isn’t depressing enough for me, why does the weather have to spoil one of the [very] few pleasures I look forward to. Maybe I’ll go for a ride a little later when it warms up some, or more likely I’ll just end up going to the gym and ride the lifecycle, that is if I can stop wallowing in my sorrow long enough to do that.

I don’t know about the rest of you, but I could sure do with a little global warming about now!

Two hours later, I managed to stop wallowing in self pity long enough to get dressed, and still meet the group at the start of the Hammer Zone. It only warmed up a little, to 44°F, but as long as you stayed in the sun, and didn’t go down any steep hills, it was tolerable. And I feel a lot better about myself now, too.

The internet: Is it really such a good thing?

 Life, Politics  No Responses »
Oct 182010
 

I’ve come to the realization I spend way to much time sitting in front of my computer. I’ve actually known this for a long time, but I just don’t seem to be able to do much about it.

Some of it is actually productive, like answering work emails, keeping track of my finances, and logging in my miles on the bike, but that only takes up a small portion of my time in front of the computer.

Too much time is spent playing around on Facebook, reading emails from other lymphoma survivors (OK, that might actually be considered worthwhile), and reading news and political commentary, sometimes even commenting when the urge arises.

Even writing this blog seems to occupy more time than I would like.

And now that I have my DroidX, I find myself spending even more time staring at a VDU (visual display unit).

Certainly the internet has been a boon to the world in many ways. Most notably for the amount of information that has been made much more readily available to everyone, and something I have availed myself of  tremendously, especially in the area of medicine. Without the internet, there is no doubt in my mind, I would not be in the position, health wise, I am today.

Of course, there is at least one caveat to all this, and that is, there is no one, or thing, filtering this information. There is no one, or thing, telling is what information is inaccurate, incomplete, misleading, highly suspect or an out right lie. We’re all left to our own devices to decide what is the truth or simply agenda driven.

Yes, there are organizations like factcheck.org and snopes.com, but by the time they’ve screened it, and printed their interpretation, the information has already made its rounds to the naive and unsuspecting, who accept it as gospel, without doing any additional investigation. Plus, who is to say those interpretations or comments aren’t suspect as well?

It’s a double edged sword, one we all need to be aware of, but unfortunately, I believe, too many of us are not.

Sometimes I still yearn for the ‘good ole days’, as I often like to say, before the internet. I get this way a lot, especially this time of year, when the days get shorter, and the weather more inclement, but life truly was so much simpler back then. My only question is, were we better off?

I’m not sure I can answer that question with any certainty. In fact, I’m not even sure there is a good answer.

Deja vu all over again

 Life, Work  6 Responses »
Sep 062010
 

BIG SIGH! This seems to be an ongoing issue with me, that is how tough it is some mornings just gettin’ out of bed.

And it has [almost] nothing to do with the state of the economy, or the tearing apart of the fabric of our society by some factions in our country, or even mine and Edie’s illnesses. It’s just becoming more noticeable with each passing day how everything I’ve come to accept and enjoy in life is being altered in ways I’m not happy with.

Sure there have been some changes that have been for the better, and have made our lives easier, i.e. computers, the internet, smart phones, wireless everything, etc. but those are just things. And the more I think about it, I’m not so sure the advent of the internet has been such a good thing.

I’m talking about things you can’t easily describe. It’s like how the dynamics of the bike club I started back in the late 80′s, along with a few friends, has changed, and now the same thing is occurring with the bike club I ride with currently. So many of the people I was accustomed to riding with, are either riding less, not doing the rides they used to do, or are no longer riding at all. Yes there are new people, who I do enjoy riding with [and some I don't], but still it’s just not the same.

It’s how things have changed at work. Now that we’ve been purchased by this huge [public] conglomerate, it seems everything we do has come under greater scrutiny, and we’re being inundated with what appears to me to be so many needless and useless requirements. We used to be one big happy family, operating profitably for years (and still do I’ll add). I even enjoyed going to work. It’s just not the same any more. A once cohesive unit now seems to be falling apart.

I see it in other areas as well. I see it on the road when I’m riding my bike. Drivers, in a hurry, purposely cutting off cyclists, so they can make that right turn just ahead, or to hurry up and wait at the upcoming red light.

It’s noticeable in how easily people jump to conclusions, react without thinking, and as a cycling buddy put it recently, how easily people go

from zero to pissed off in 0.01 seconds.

While the vast majority of people don’t fit into this mold, there does seem to be an ever increasing number who do. Fortunately I’m not one of them, always controlling my outbursts, and being courteous to everyone. [Most of the time anyways.]

Oh well, I guess if there’s one thing that doesn’t change, it’s that everything keeps changing, but knowing that doesn’t change how I feel. I should know, I felt the same way yesterday morning.

And please no comments about me getting help or taking some drug for depression. Sure I’ll admit to being depressed at times. Who wouldn’t with my circumstances, but that still isn’t going to happen. Heck I won’t even take Vitamin D or an Fe supplement, so if you think I’m going to take some drug for depression, you’re sadly mistaken. I don’t believe in them. And that’s something that isn’t going to change.

Why do I keep reading [or listening] to the news

 Life  4 Responses »
Aug 022010
 

I hate Mondays. Monday is a day off for me. A day off from work, and a day off from riding.

I did have a golf game lined up in Industry Hills this morning, but golf just hasn’t excited me as of late, so I passed. I also could have gone for a bike ride, but I put in over 900 miles last month, and I think my body could do with a little R&R. Besides it was foggy this morning, and that never makes for a pleasant or fun ride.

So what did I do instead? I got up (after a lousy nights sleep), surfed the internet for interesting stuff (which there wasn’t much of), watched some news and early morning talk shows on TV, and then just got depressed.

The ever bleak and gloomy picture[s] being painted by many economic experts is disheartening at best, and the continual bickering and infighting by our elected representatives, and others, repeating the same old rhetoric over and over again, is enough to make a grown man cry.

I really need to put a stop to this!

Work might have even been more enjoyable, if it weren’t for the damn 80 mile drive.

I think I’ll just go for a walk! At this point anything would be better than sitting in front of this computer any longer.