Philosophy | Living with MCL

2013: Not getting any better

Bypass Surgery (CAD), Life, Philosophy 4 Responses »

Mar 102013

I thought January was a bad month because I spent more money than I planned, but compared to what’s been happening lately, I don’t know why I thought that was even a concern.

To begin with, Edie hasn’t been doing that good. The drug she’s been taking for the past several months, Carfilzomab, is starting to take its toll, and her neuropathy seems to be getting worse. She’s having more trouble just getting around, and climbing stairs is particularly daunting.

Then this morning I learned a friend, the person who built our back patio, and the husband of the girl I worked with for over 20 years, died this morning.

He had gone in for, what I thought would be, a routine double heart valve replacement on the 19th of February. Unfortunately that just wasn’t the case. He was on the table for about 8 hours, and on the pump for almost 5 hours. (By contrast, my entire operation lasted 3 hours 14 minutes, and I was on the pump for only 42 minutes.)

It was then discovered one of the valves was leaking, and he needed another operation to correct it. So it was back to the operating room 2 days later.

The second operation didn’t go so well either, lasting longer than planned, and it was all down hill from there.

It’s difficult to think about these things, or know how to react. No one can ever know what’s in store for them. You don’t have to be old to get sick. (I think John was 10 years younger than me.) You don’t even have to be in bad shape to get sick. It doesn’t even have to be an illness that does us in. Anything can happen to anyone, anytime, and without warning.

It’s times like these, all I try to do is take pause, and remember

Not to sweat the small stuff, and it’s all small stuff

Life’s just way too short for that, but most of all, never forget

The future is just a concept we use to avoid living today

Rest in peace John

The inevitability of it all

Bypass Surgery (CAD), My MCL, Philosophy Comments Off

Oct 122012

I was just going through a fellow blood/lymphatic cancer survivor’s blog, and I was struck by a remark he made in his post of September 3rd, titled Endless War,

I am living in what the late CLL expert Dr. Terry Hamblin would have regarded as my end times. People with my type of CLL (unmutated, 11q-deleted, at least up until recently) live about eight to twelve years after diagnosis, he once told me. He had hundreds, if not thousands, of case histories to back up that assertion.

While David goes on to paint a much more optimist view of his prospects (which everyone should read, he’s a great writer), I can’t help but go in a different direction, choosing to focus only on the first sentence of that statement.

As much as I hate to admit it, maybe even try to deny it, there’s no changing the fact, I am living in my “end times” as well. It’s a fact of nature, and no matter how hard we [I] may try, you can’t change the inevitable.

My time might not be as well defined, or as near as David’s, Dr Hamblin provided me with a much rosier prognosis, but then again, it’s not just MCL I have to worry about any more.

And that reality has never become more apparent than it has over the past few months.

On a more optimistic note, the Cardiac Surgery clinic in West LA called, and I have an appointment with the surgeon next Thursday.

So just maybe I’ll be able to delay the inevitable a little bit longer.

Wouldn’t it be nice!

Life, Philosophy Comments Off

Jul 232012

As I was listening to the radio, this song started playing. I haven’t heard this song in quite awhile, nor had I even thought about it, but as I was listening to the words this time, it really hit me.

Just Imagine if……….

Smartphone no more

Life, Off Topic, Philosophy 2 Responses »

Jul 162012

Went to a birthday party yesterday for a long time friend, and as I was looking around, I saw quite a number of people engrossed with their smart phones, some showing all sorts of pictures to everyone, and others just sitting off to the side, in their own little world, playing on their so called smart phones.

What struck me so was, I know I have been guilty of doing exactly the same at times, that is sitting at a party, at a dinner, or just around the table talking to friends, and checking the internet, my email, or texting someone. It annoys me when I see that, so why shouldn’t it be annoying to others as well.

It bothered me enough, I just switched out my DroidX for my old LG VX5500 (a so called dumb phone), and saved myself $30 in the process.

I just didn’t want to be one of those people any more.

So from now on, if you need to get in touch with me quickly, you’re just gonna have to call me, because I won’t be checking my emails as often as I once did. You could try texting , but responding via text on the LG VX5500 is a slow process, so don’t expect a quick response.

More on positive thinking?

General Health, Philosophy Comments Off

Jun 072012

The more I thought about my last post, the more I wondered about the concept of “positive thinking”. Is it real, and is there a good definition for it?

Does it mean being upbeat? Can you be depressed, but still think positively? Can you be happy [upbeat], but think negatively? Can you be negative for the short term, but positive for the long term? or vice versa?

I’m pretty sure at any given moment in any given day, month or year, I could fit into each of those categories.

Can’t I just enjoy life now, despite the knowledge I’m going to die sooner than later? Is that thinking negatively or positively? After all, we’re all going to die. I just have a better idea of when that is going to be. And is that a good thing or a bad thing?

Just some thoughts to ponder, and maybe even take your mind of the inevitable.

The limits of positive thinking

General Health, Life, Philosophy 2 Responses »

Jun 042012

There’s been some talk lately, on the various message boards, about what effect, if any, positive thinking plays in curing cancer. This topic has been discussed many times in the past, so I was surprised when both Karl, Lymphomation, and Chaya, CLL Topics, reposted on this subject in the same week. (I guess they’re also running out of things to write about.)

So not to be out done, and since I don’t believe I’ve ever addressed this topic before, I thought I’d get in on the action, and reiterate some of the ways I’ve approached dealing with cancer. It was either that, or posting about how doctors are to blame for emergency room overuse.)

Like most knowledgeable people, I am of the belief positive thinking is a good thing, it’s just not going to cure your cancer.

Thinking positively will make you feel better, because going through life pissed off, and/or depressed all the time, doesn’t do anyone any good (just trust me on that). That type of thinking is more likely to make you even sicker, at least from a mental standpoint, if not a physical one.

To cure your cancer, my best advice is go the conventional route. Listen to your oncologist/hematologist, but stay informed. Remember, doctors are only human. Don’t over react when caution may be the more prudent approach. And don’t be fooled by those who promise magical cures not supported by clinical evidence.

Most of all, have fun. Enjoy life (a lot easier said than done sometimes). Treat every day like it’s your last, and remember what Brenda said to Nate when they first met,

The future is just a concept we use to avoid living today.

Oh and lastly, avoid Facebook, and I’m not talking about the stock (although I would avoid that as well). You don’t have to be connected all the time. I guarantee you’ll be a lot better off. It’s been over a month since I suspended my Facebook account, and I haven’t miss it one bit. I also think you’ll find you have more time to do the things [exercise] you want and/or should be doing instead.

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