Sep 252014

fateAre there really things that we have no control over in our lives? Is our destiny preordained, and no matter what any of us do, the outcome will be the same?

I’ve always been a believer in that, in fate. I’ve always believed our lives are preordained, and everything happens for a reason. It’s just after everything that has happened over these past few months [and years] I’m beginning to wonder.

What possible reason could there be for me to have contracted MCL, and lived with it untreated for the past 12+ years?  Is there a greater purpose I am [was] to pursue, that I missed. It certainly can’t be writing this blog, although I would like to think I’ve help at least one person.

And what about Edie? What possible reason could there be for her to have died, and left me alone? To make me appreciate her more, and the many things she did, some of which I may have taken for granted. The thing is, she didn’t have to die for me to come to that realization.

So what are we to do? Just go about our everyday lives, as if nothing happened, and hope everything works out for the best?

Somehow that doesn’t seem right. There has to be more. There has to be a deeper purpose to all this. I’m just at a loss to know exactly what that may be.

Anyone have any ideas?

Sep 092014

Edie2It’s been about a month now, and the only thing I know for sure, it isn’t getting any easier.

At first I thought it was the mornings that were the worst. Then it was the evenings, but it turns out, it doesn’t matter what time of day it is, it’s realizing Edie isn’t around anymore that’s so hard.

I’m just having a difficult time coming to grips with that fact. We were together nearly 40 years, and then suddenly she’s gone. How can someone be here one minute, and then be gone the next? Even knowing it was coming for awhile, I still wasn’t prepared.

It’s just all way too final, and I’m not coping well. I haven’t been eating well. I’ve been losing weight I can’t afford to lose, and on top of that, two weeks ago, I got a case of the shingles (or so they say), which has taken a particular toll on me physically, including the loss of more weight.

I’m even beginning to understand how some individuals can so easily become victims of unscrupulous people, praying on their moment of vulnerability, and a desire to believe there is a life after death.

I don’t know anymore, maybe a glass of wine [or 2] will help.

 Posted by at 4:17 pm
Aug 212014

shiva-candleIn Jewish tradition, the Shiva candle represents a person’s soul, since each person brings light into the world. And just as one can take from a flame to light more candles without diminishing the original flame, so too a person can give of him/herself, touching many lives, without ever being diminished.

It’s only supposed to burn for 7 days, but in Edie’s case it burned for nearly 8 and half days.

Now whether the candle burning a day and a half longer than expected is significant, is doubtful. I do know if anyone had asked me what I would have thought about such a thing a month ago, I would have simply chocked it up to poor quality control.

But now that this involves me, I can’t help but think otherwise. For those who knew Edie, you know she wasn’t Jewish, but she was the embodiment of what the Shiva Candle represents,  and it’s hard not to tack on some significance to that event.

I sure would like to think that anyways.

Aug 162014

EdieIt’s been 4 days since Edie died, Doris, Edie’s sister, is on her way home to Ohio, and the reality of this past week is starting to take hold.

I’m alone! :(

I haven’t been truly alone, since the 3 months between my discharge from the army and meeting Edie in 1974, and I’m not sure I’m going to be able to handle this.

Edie was always my rock. She never needed or asked for anything special. She was always upbeat, had a smile on her face, and she was always there when I needed her.

What Edie did hate was being a burden on anyone, something I’m sure contributed to her refusal to go to the ER until it was too late.

She just deserved so much better, and Chloe and I will miss her tremendously.

 Posted by at 7:11 am

The worst day of my life

 Edie  Comments Off
Jul 162014

Followed by the worst night of my life. Things did not go as planned yesterday.

I didn’t even get the chance to worry about getting Edie up the 4 steps into the house after having her blood coagulation levels checked yesterday. On the way to the car, Edie stumbled on the first step, fell backwards, and hit her head on the ground. She didn’t hit hard, but…………….

I read in the Coumadin manual, you have to be concerned when you hit your head, due to possible bleeding. So after she managed to maneuver herself to the edge of the porch and stand, I got her into the car, and just took her straight to the ER for evaluation.

Long story short, the CT scan was negative, and 6.5 hours later Edie was in a skilled nursing facility. She is just too weak for me to take care of.

sighWords can’t explain how devastated I am. I barely got an hours sleep last night dreaming of nightmare scenarios, and she doesn’t have her phone, so I can’t call her, and visiting hours don’t start until 11 AM.

I know if it weren’t for the damn Coumadin, and having to get her blood checked every 2 or 3 days, I really think she could have recuperated at home, but navigating those 4 steps, so soon after getting out of the hospital, was just too much.

And even worse the nursing home close to the house was full, and the only one available is 18 miles from the house.

So as decisions go, this one has turned out to be a VERY bad one.

Jul 152014

woeismePast experiences have taught me my first instincts are usually correct, but like everything else in life that isn’t a guarantee, and after this first night and morning, I’m starting to have some doubts.

Edie was well enough to be released from the hospital. Her oxygen saturation levels are stable, and while they do drop some with exertion, she recovers relatively quickly once at rest.

The problem is she fatigues easily, and compound that with the severe neuropathy in her legs, it’s a struggle just getting up from the seated position.

Today should be the test.  She scheduled to have her blood clotting levels checked at the infustion. I’m pretty sure I can get her there without a problem, but getting her up the 4 step, and back into the house maybe a challenge.

Stay tuned. I may be asking some of you for help! :)